Ruby Does the Tide Pod Challenge
by Troumvirate
Summary: "Hey, Oscar? This isn't gonna be easy, but the fact that you're even trying says a lot about you. You're braver than you think."


Let's be real here. Sitting around the same house for the better part of a volume is really fucking boring. Especially when all you do is learn how to headbutt a guy who suddenly forgot how to fight.

Just like everyone else, Ruby only had one outfit to wear for months at a time. And with all the "training" she was doing, she was bound to work up a sweat. So you know what they have a lot of? Laundry detergent. Seriously, they all must have been doing laundry as much as they were training.

So one day Ruby was really fucking bored. And can you blame her? She was present in Volume 5. Us having to watch it is one thing, but actually living in it? Just sitting around that house all day while Ozpin dumps exposition on you, minus the most important things such as your silver eyes? How incredibly boring must that have been? No wonder everyone just stood around doing nothing during the big battle at Haven Academy. I'd be lethargic too if I had to experience that dumpster fire of a volume firsthand. Oh wait, dumpster fires are actually more exciting than RWBY Volume 5.

In order to alleviate her boredom, Ruby decided to eat some of the laundry detergent that was lying around. Grabbing one of the squishy pods from the bag, she slurped it down faster than Nora swallowing a mouthful of Ren's hibachi sauce if he ever decided to finally be a man and plow her thirsty ass. The effects were immediate, and soon enough Darwinism decided to kick in. Ruby fell to the floor and began to convulse and foam at the mouth. But at least it smelled fresh and clean like she had just washed her innards with the fragrant scent of Tide.

The sounds of her flopping around on the floor like a fish soon drew the attention of some of the other people in the house. Yang and Weiss were the first to come.

"Oh no, Ruby!" Yang shouted. "Are you okay?"

Ruby stopped shaking and looked at Yang. "No. I'm angry."

Yang looked down to see the open bag of Tide Pods. It didn't take long for her to figure out what had happened. "Oh no..."

"Okay! Okay. Things are bad; they're bad. But we can figure this out."

Picking herself up off the ground, she wiped a glob of foam from her mouth. A vacant and braindead expression formed on her face. Which wasn't that different from how she normally looked.

"Ruby! Say something!"

"When Beacon fell, I lost two of my friends: Penny Polendina and Pyrrha Nikos. I didn't know them for very long, but that doesn't change the fact that they were two of the most kind-hearted people I have ever met. But that didn't save them. Pyrrha thought that if there was even the smallest chance of helping someone, then it was a chance worth taking. And because of that, she died fighting a battle she knew she couldn't win. And Penny... was killed... just to make a statement."

"Oh no..." Yang whispered. "I think she's suffered brain damage!"

"Have you ever actually spoken to your sister?" Weiss asked. "This honestly sounds pretty normal for her."

"No! Ruby used to be such an enthralling and interesting character! Back before she sounded like she just inhaled an entire tank of helium!"

That's because Ruby used to be a good protagonist. She used to have hopes and dreams and goals and conflicts. Like... like... being a huntress. And wanting Glynda's autograph because she was a huntress. And liking weapons. Yes, she was such a complex character with convincing motivations in the first three volumes. And the events of those first volumes helped to change and shape the person she had become today. Truly Ruby is the epitome of character development.

Ruby continued to squeak away. "I am scared, but not just for me. What happened at Beacon shows that Salem doesn't care if you're standing against her or not. She'll kill anybody, and that scares me most of all. Pyrrha... Penny... I'd be lying if I said that it didn't hurt, that I didn't think about them every day since I lost them, that I didn't wish I had spent more time with them. If it had been me instead, I know they would have kept fighting too, no matter how dangerous it was. So that's what I choose to do - to keep moving forward."

Tears began to stream down Yang's face. "She's done it. She's finally gone full retard. You should never go full retard!"

Ruby shook her head. "You're wrong. We've done things that most people would call impossible, and I know the only reason we were able to do it is because we didn't do it alone! We had people to teach us, people to help us, we had each other. Work with us. At least I know we'll have a better chance if we try together. Please."

Yang wiped the tears from her eyes. "I think it's time we put her down. Watching what she has become is too painful."

"This is my fight too!"

No. It was too late. Maybe Ruby was once a good idea. Maybe she once had potential. But now she was just a shell of her former self. Doing nothing. Being nothing. Becoming nothing. Just a directionless waste.

So Kali and Ghira were fighting the White Fang as the house burned around them. Why the sudden jump cut? Because I have to be as true to the actual series as I can be.

The end.


End file.
